Chapter 87

An hour later he carefully stood up with Daniel from the couch in Jon's room. "I think I'll take him to bed."
Jon nodded. "Good idea."

They spent the last hour quietly, watching a TV show Jon had switched the TV to and kept their conversation about what they were watching. Richie enjoyed holding Daniel as he slept but he was getting bigger and heavier, besides that, he was also starting to feel ready for bed.

"Can you help with the door?" Richie asked so he wouldn't have to move Daniel around too much.
"Sure can." Jon got up as well and headed towards the door to hold it for Richie. "Don't worry too much, okay?" Jon asked him as Richie walked out of the room.
"I'll try." He said, not entirely lying.

Once back in his own room, he laid Daniel down in the crib and pulled the sheet up to his chest. His brown eyes stared up at him sleepily. It made Richie smile but he didn't say anything, sure Daniel would go right back to sleep if he didn't disturb him anymore. Quietly he walked away and headed towards the bathroom to get ready for bed, very much ready to get out of his stage clothes. He'd have to get these washed tomorrow instead.

Their bedroom was still dark, Sarah still in the same spot in the bed.

Richie sighed as he walked to the bed, feeling somewhat torn at what he should be feeling. Should he be sad for Sarah or be angry with her? Most likely he felt both at the same time.

First, he pulled his shirt over his head and dropped it to the floor before he undid and took off his pants, followed by his socks. Then, he pulled back the sheets and sat down on the bed.

"Daniel." Sarah gasped as she sat up in bed, reaching to where Daniel had been.
Surprised, Richie answered. "He's in his crib, it's just me."
"Richie?" She asked confused, her voice reflected her feelings.
"It's alright, I'm here." He pulled her down next to him as he laid down in the bed. "I'm here." He repeated gently, letting her cuddle into him as she laid her head on his chest.

Out of habit, he started stroking her back. He wasn't sure of what to say or do in this moment. Would he confront her about what had happened tonight or would he wait til the morning and ask her then? Was she even really awake right now? He felt tears drop to his chest, followed by a sniffle from Sarah.

"Sarah?" He asked carefully. "Are you crying?"
She quickly moved her hand to wipe at her eyes.
"Sarah?" He asked again. "What's wrong?" His question was in vain as she continued crying, all he could do was try and comfort her. He didn't move and held her until she calmed down.
"Daniel was crying." Sarah finally said when she was able to.
He wasn't crying now, he was sure of that. "While I was at the arena?" Richie asked.
She shook her head against him. "When you took him from the bed."
"You were awake?"
This time Sarah nodded her head on his chest.
"Yeah, he was crying." Richie said sternly, remembering why his son had been crying.
His matter of fact way of saying it made Sarah cry again. "I know, I'm sorry. I'm-"
Richie frowned, looking down at her, he pulled away slightly. "You're what?"
Sarah shook her head again.
Richie sighed in frustration. "Sarah you need to talk to me. I know you're not okay and leaving Daniel like that without taking care of him is unacceptable. I need you to tell me what's going on."
"I don't know." She let out a sob.
"Then what are you feeling? You have to give me something here. I want to help you." He sounded more stern that he had anticipated.
Sarah sniffed again and cleared her throat. "Empty." She finally said. "I feel terrible and hopeless."

He was taken aback by how she felt, it was obvious she had been feeling down but so badly that she would forget about Daniel? Richie surely had not expected that to happen at all. He had never seen Sarah react this badly a disappointment.

"I'm sorry." Richie said to her, holding her close again.
"What if this was our last chance?" Sarah asked him quietly.
"What do you mean?"
Sarah sniffed. "Our last chance for a baby."
Richie shook his head, in disagreement and disbelief that this was what she was worrying about. "It's not our last chance."
Sarah moved a little to somewhat look at him. "You don't understand. It was easy to get pregnant when I had Caleb and Noah and then with Daniel it took 6 months and now this one took even longer. There's something wrong with me."  She sounded so convinced of herself, she had already made up her mind that this was her fault.
"There's nothing wrong with you."
"How do you know?" Sarah countered. "My body is done making babies."
Richie sighed as he looked away from her. "'Cause there's something wrong with me."
Sarah frowned, very confused at this point. "What do you mean?"
"There's a reason Ava didn't have any siblings." Richie sighed, then continued on. "When Heather and I didn't conceive again, we got tested and-" He hated it. It made him feel terrible about himself, as if he was failing at something that should be easy to do.
Even though it was dark in the room, it was obvious enough to Sarah to notice her husband's discomfort. In return, she moved next to him and held him. "It's not your fault."
"It is though, there's less of them going out, less of them to be successful."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Sarah asked.
"Because I didn't realize we were trying that hard to have another baby."
Sarah frowned at him, even if he couldn't see it in the dark. "Don't you want another baby?"
"I'd love another baby." Richie said quickly. "I just didn't know we had a deadline."
"We don't." Sarah agreed. "I just thought with it taking so long maybe it wasn't going to happen anymore for us and I'd really like Daniel to have a little sister."
"I know." He rubbed her back.

He was thoughtful for a moment, thinking about the entire situation. How Sarah had felt because of this and what it had lead to. That it took her to a place where she felt so hopeless for herself. It was scary how something could affect his happy wife that much and change her instantly, that self doubt.

"Is Daniel okay?" Sarah asked quietly.
Richie nodded slowly. "He had a wet diaper and it gave him a rash and he was hungry but he went right back to sleep after he had his formula."
"I'm sorry." Sarah sighed. "I just felt so bad and my mind wasn't helping me. I feel like I'm useless as a mother."
"You're a wonderful mother." Richie reminded her, he knew it was true.

She was amazing with Daniel and almost every day he was flabbergasted at how she connected with Noah, something he was only able to do with Caleb. He knew how amazing she was with her children. Besides that, she was a great stepmom to Ava as well. Anything Ava needed, Sarah would try to get for her, even when she wasn't staying at their house. Sarah cared for and loved them all deeply. He understood she wanted another baby to take care of, to raise and watch grow up into a wonderful human being. Richie had felt that need years ago as well and with Daniel's arrival, he had been happy to have the opportunity again. He could kick himself for not realizing how much hope Sarah had put into having a daughter of herself. That was something he should have known.

"There's meds I can take."